A Guilt Trip... Once Again.

Just yesterday, I learned that my sister (a medical student), will have her graduation on April 23. Now the BIG problem is: my friend has already bought plane tickets for me and some others for Boracay on the 21st till the 25th!

My mom talked to me today about it and as always, the conversation led to a sensitive discussion about the importance of family versus the importance of friends. Months ago, this Boracay trip had already been planned by my best friends. I told them that I can't afford the trip this summer because my family just has a lot of expenses to be concerned about, and that a Boracay trip is just way too costly. My friend just won't accept this "excuse" - a week later, he tells me that he had already bought the tickets for me, and that I didn't have to pay for them. I was really surprised and deeply touched at the same time. That's just how much they want me to go with them. I told my mom about it a week ago, and there I learned that on the 23rd, my sister will be graduating - something she has worked soooo hard for. A once-in-a-lifetime experience that as my mom reiterated: none of the family should miss. Now I feel terrible - and I actually don't know what to do.

My mom tells me that she somehow understands the transitions in life her children undergoes. "Alam ko, tumatanda na kayo, at may mga sarili na kayong buhay, pero habang nasa poder ko pa kayo, sana pamilya muna ang pahalagahan bago ang iba."

My mom can play a really good guilt trip on me - maybe because I respect her a lot and I just have so much love for her. Maybe I feel for her - growing old, safeguarding the love of her children for someday, we will be the ones to take care of her.

I just don't know what to do now. All I know is that I might be hoping that this summer vacation would be over soon.

For The Love of Film

The past semester had been very stressful for me, but I'm not complaining. I was able to write/direct my own short film! With collaboration with my friend Stan, we were able to accomplish this filmmaking task in less than a week. We were time-pressured and financially struggling, but we managed to finish it. It was really, really difficult. From pre-production to the production itself to post-production, we had little sleep and time for ourselves. But you know what, it was all worth it! Filmmaking is cool, and fun!

However, we didn't really have accurate technical information about short films. Because of time-pressure (though people say that people work more effectively when time-pressured), we weren't able to produce our own original music for the film, choose really good locations, and choose a really good editing house. AUDIOVOX, an editing house near the school, known for its highly commendable equipment and editing techniques, forgot about our appointment with them so we had to look for another editing house. Nevertheless, we managed to get by and make the best of what we had.

We had a film festival last Wednesday to have our entries judged by some independent filmmakers. We didn't win Best Picture but we're very proud of what we were able to accomplish in such a limited time. Our film's title is "Count:down", in where a man learns that he has only 24 hours to live, so he has to make really important choices, that shall be beneficial or detrimental to him. He is driven by his impulse, to experience the world in a day, though it risks destroying his morals, principles. Sulked in regret, he seeks redemption in the end, before he meets his Maker, to face his final judgment. We used a number of symbolisms in our film: an hourglass, a blindfolded man breaking free from bondage, two doors representing choices in life. Two films in our film festival reaped most of the awards, "Via Crusis" and "Mulat", both produced/written/directed by my fellow batchmates. Via Crusis (Way of the Cross), talks about a man who gets stalked by an unknown individual, watching his every move, breath, trailing behind his every step. Scared to death, he runs for his life. He keeps running and running until his stalker finally reveals himself. It is his soul; a truth he has always denied, and now, wants to be one with him. He is a homosexual who learned that for the world to accept him, he should be able to accept and appreciate himself first. Mulat, on the other hand is about an incest/rape victim, who, out of extreme hatred and depression killed her own father. The film takes place in only one location, providing a dark and "Psycho"-like atmosphere, with lots of close-up shots, eerie sound design, flashbacks and scenes being puzzled together to reach a shocking conclusion. Both films deserved the recognition, and I hope that they try their luck and submit their entries to National or International film festivals.

I have always loved film. Appreciating, reviewing, discussing it with friends who share the same interests. I'm grateful that we were given this opportunity to extract our innate talents in filmmaking. I was pessimistic at first, because of the limited time given to us, but this experience proved to me that nothing's impossible as long as your heart is in whatever you're doing. This summer, I will continue reading, writing and collecting my ideas. I might just be able to come up with a film project again, and I just can't wait! I'm loving film in a whole new level now.

Happy ValentiMe's!

Just as I stepped one foot on the campus this morning, girls walked around carrying bouqets of flowers, boxes of chocolates and to be particular, Blue Magic paper bags everywhere. Students, professors, staff people, every Eve had gifts from their respective Adams. It's so refreshing to see that Valentine's Day is never forgotten, and un-celebrated. I was there smiling on my way to my first class.

I actually don't celebrate V-Day. Maybe because every Hearts Day, I'm single and available. Well, I have to say that I was a bit envious of the couples smothering each other, serenading each other as if they were starting all over again. Love was all around.

For me, Valentine's Day, just like the Christmas season, should be experienced daily. It really is mood-uplifting to see people spreading the love. I actually don't really care if I don't have my own romantic adventure, I indulged with what I saw, heard and felt today. To my family, friends, to the hopeless romantics, to the Romeos and Juliets, the secret admirers, Torpes and Pakipots, the love fools, the Casanovas and Cinderellas, happy happy Valentine's Day. Love generously!

Lazarus

Oh my, it's been a lifetime since I last posted here! I'm such an embarrassment to the blogging community! Haha. I'm resurrected from the dead!

Anyway, I really don't have any valid reason for not updating my blog. I'm busy in school yes, but an hour or two of my time to write something in here won't hurt. Maybe it's also because school life is a bit monotonous - I don't want to write down daily musings about what I do in school because you will, undoubtedly, get bored. Hmmm what to write about...

2006 started for me just like any other year. My family don't do fireworks anymore, so the whole clan gathered just to eat, and watch the different New Year celebrations on TV. How fun was that?! Haha. Last 2005, I got to celebrate with friends but now, the evil parents just wouldn't let me - they tell me that I'm starting to slip away from them (which is not true!), so we just stayed at home. We had no choice but to stay home, because we had to keep the grandfolks company.

Recently, I found interest in wallclimbing. My friend invited me once, and since then, I've been climbing every week (weekdays I cannot, because of schoolwork). Last Saturday though, I hurt my left shoulder really bad. I think I pushed myself too much in finishing a really difficult route, I twisted (maybe tore?!) a muscle in my left shoulder. I actually can't specify what is really wrong, but all I know is that it STILL hurts and I can't fully move my left shoulder. Damn. Haha. I just hope that this week, I'll be in tip top shape again. It's really good workout - and nice to keep your mind off things for a while.

This year, I also got an iPod from my mom. It has become a necessity for a music junkie like me. I just cannot survive a day without a good beat in my head, poetry singing in my ears.

I haven't read anything recently though, except my school books of course. I just read something light lately - "Kokology" by Tadahiko Nagao. It's a book with different situations in it, questions that you have to answer to know about yourself better. I must say that a lot of the answers I gave were accurately assessed and it's a good way to re-evaluate yourself.

The last movie I watched was I think, Underworld 2. The movies that I really loved though were The Family Stone (just one of my favorite films ever), TransAmerica (Felicity Huffman is just one of the most influential actresses now), Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (the wit of this movie is just infectious!). I want to watch Munich soon, and Brokeback Mountain as soon as it comes out.

I realized that I just have to write as often as I can. In the future, I might just be pursuing the writing profession. Sometimes, I worry too much about writing intelligently - about writing something that will be interesting to everyone who will read. Now, I will just write and write and write. Streams of consciousness. Whatever the head will spill out, I will write.

Now, I need a cigarette. Catch you later folks :)

Just Not For Me

One thing I learned about myself yesterday: I really, and I mean really, cannot live in the province. No TV, no computer, no clean bathrooms, no anything. Well, I guess it really doesn't apply to every residential area in the provinces. I mean, yeah, I can survive a week in the province, but to live there is just like putting me in a mental institution. Yesterday, I got back from Mabitac, Laguna, and maybe I'll rethink of going back there someday. Good thing I was with the company of my college friends or I may have lost my sanity.

Nevertheless, I still enjoyed our "barkada" trip. I think I rode the fastest tricycle ever - or was it just because in the provinces, there just is NO traffic. First time in my life did I eat sopas for breakfast, and literally ate from a rice cooker. Haha. One thing I also noticed was almost every house in the province, they weren't really structurally finished, and furnished. Basta malagyan ng bubong at masementuhan, OK na. Life is very, very simple, and the people are far from complicating their lives.

Last Monday night, I got unbelievably drunk. I just couldn't remember how much I was able to gulp in. All I remember is that when I woke up, I had lipstick marks all over my face, arms - and legs! Crazy. Haha. The next day, we went swimming. We went to this resort (I forgot the name, or I just choose not to mention, haha), and it was really the most disgusting resort I have ever been to in my life. There were little frogs (froglets? bigger tadpoles?) in the pool!! Yuucccckk! And you know what's really funny?? We still went swimming! Hahaha. I'm not a party pooper. We "handpicked" all of these crazy, slimy, little things and threw them out. Actually, we had fun - running around the poolside throwing frogs at each other. Haha, it was just not right.

Last night, my brother and I chose to go home, instead of staying for another night. We commuted from Mabitac, Laguna to Ortigas. We rode the longest jeep rides ever, and chewed on shingalings and banana chips to endure the trip. It was tiring, but really fun. It's nice to have a little adventure in our lives, from time to time.

Childlike Wildlife

"The first thing an artist must recreate, before true art can be realized, is his own soul."

Three years ago, I was a zombie. No matter how many times you try to kill me, I just get up and walk aimlessly. I really didn't have a specific goal - I just limped my way through every single day. Now, I'm back to being human again. My life has direction - a bit unsure, but undistracted.

I'm officially on my second day of my semestral break. The past semester was a blast. I made really good friends - not perfect but real. I made it to the Dean's List in all grading periods, and for once in my life, I felt proud of myself. I had more time to meet with friends because I didn't have to worry about staying at home for the weekend to study, study and study. I guess life was pretty easy and manageable for me the past months, and somehow, I feel the need to be challenged.

"The real artist is measured by his ability to utilize misfortune in recreating the soul."

I guess the really successful people in our time now are the people who experienced a lot of trials in their lives - and how they managed to overcome them. I admit that I'm still a child. Sometimes, I'm worried that I am in a rush to grow old - to explore the world. A friend told me that I should cherish this time of my life - now that I'm still learning, being molded to the man I will soon be. People tell me that I'm still very much fortunate because I am still indeed, behind the steering wheel. I can still navigate my way into my not-so-distant future.

Maybe I'm just worried that my life won't turn out to be the way I imagine it to be. I'm afraid that someday, I'll regret a lot of things in my life - and it will be too late for me to redirect my life.

"At the birth of a child or a star, there is pain"

Soon I will be reborn. I can't wait.

Static

I have no sentiments today.

I feel so controlled, normal, steady and relaxed. Routines, routines, routines. I miss being stressed.

I miss being on the verge of insanity.

Someone drive me nuts, please.